Handing Over Control – Reb Chooses

Last week I challenged myself by letting Immy choose 3 meals and 3 snacks for me for a day and as I’m sure you’re aware by now, one of my favourite recovery mantras is “CHALLENGE, REPEAT” so guess what?! On Friday I asked my besties Phoebe and Rebecca to do the same. I picked (at random) Rebecca’s first and on Saturday she took the reigns.

I’m going to change it up a bit from last week by first putting my automatic ED thoughts (whilst still making an effort not to trigger in any way) and then my actual, positive thoughts and ways I can challenge the automatic ones.

I’ll say it again, this is probably not the most riveting read I’ll admit but more than anything it has been really helpful for me to separate my thoughts from my disordered thoughts and letting someone else choose my foods allows me to try foods I’m subconsciously avoiding and also have new and nostalgic things!

[Disclaimer: I did not picture all I ate on this day and this post should not be used as a comparison for a full day of eating.]


Breakfast

“A croissant with peanut butter and jam with a big ol’ cup of tea”.

My automatic ED thoughts:

⁃ Adding stuff to the croissant will take away from the experience of eating the actual croissant (ok I’m writing this out now and being logical it seems so stupid but genuinely this is a common eating disorder thing so hear me out).

⁃ This definitely won’t fill me up (cue onset of comparison and panic as to having to have “extra”).

⁃ Worried about burning it or it not being hot enough.

⁃ Stress literally about how to cut the croissant?!

MY thoughts:

⁃ Cute that she’s chosen PB and J because she knows I like it 🥺

⁃ Something completely new to try so that’s cool!

⁃ Tastes really good!

⁃ Didn’t really fill me up but I can go and have extra.

⁃ Didn’t actually really think about the temperature when I was eating it… lol

PB so thick it sticks to your tonsils 🤣 (IYKYK)

Morning Snack

“Yoghurt with apple slices (used to have this all the time when I was younger) and granola”

My automatic ED thoughts:

⁃ Apple and yoghurt is a weird combo, I’m scared I won’t like it.

⁃ We have run out of my favourite granola so it won’t be “worth it”.

MY thoughts:

⁃ Apple and yoghurt really isn’t that weird…

⁃ The granola isn’t my ✨favourite✨ one but it can still taste nice.

⁃ I need to zip it with the food being “worth it” thing, it’s utter BS.

⁃ Nice snack!

We love a childhood combo

Lunch

“Avocado on toast with a poached egg then AT LEAST 2 Freddo’s”

My automatic ED thoughts:

⁃ Avocado and poached egg… hmm ahh eeeh…

⁃ Worried about over or under cooking the egg.

⁃ Haven’t had a poached egg in ages as I usually have scrambled because it takes up more room on the plate (WTF).

⁃ Worried that Freddo’s will be way smaller than I remember and that will freak me out (again, I have no idea why I was anxious about this, I just wrote down what I thought).

⁃ I’d rather have a Freddo then something different because that will seem more worthwhile…

MY thoughts:

⁃ Freddo’s were MY thing in primary school and we would always have at least two even when we were tiny so that’s normal and safe!

⁃ Avocado and poached egg are really nice together.

⁃ Poached eggs are defo my favourite type of egg.

Jammy poached eggs and a buttery piece of toast = YUM

Afternoon Snack

“Hot chocolate and a traybake/pastry from Java”

(Java is a local cafe in my town)

My automatic ED thoughts:

⁃ Hot choc from cafe = full fat… scary…

⁃ No idea what kind of tray bake they will have so this will have to be an on-the-spot decision.

⁃ Will the hot chocolate be hot enough…

⁃ Will probably have to drink the hot choccy whilst walking home, which will be challenging as I wont have time to savour it.

⁃ Haven’t had something from a cafe in AGES.

MY thoughts:

⁃ Rebecca LOVES these hot choccys.

⁃ So glad this has been chosen as we always visit cafes together and I want to challenge eating out at them more often.

⁃ I chose a flapjack as there was basically nothing left by the time I got there and I panic-chose it (it really was not very nice but I ate the whole thing anyway).

⁃ The hot choccy was actually pretty lukewarm but (after being tempted to go home and heat it up) I drank it anyway on the way home.

⁃ I have literally always wanted to be the person that could just grab something form a cafe and have it casually as never been able to do it and now looooook at me!

SEE THAT CUP?! NO SNEAKY ANOREXIA CHANGES, NO SWAPS OR SUBS! JUST A HOT CHOC.


Tea

“Creamy lemon pasta with courgette”

My automatic ED thoughts:

⁃ This is my worst nightmare (common for the word “creamy” to send anorexics everywhere into an automatic state of panic).

⁃ I definitely will not like this.

⁃ I’m going to have to cook it myself which will mean I’ll know everything that’s in it and that might freak me out.

⁃ The ingredients are terrifying.

⁃ Aggggghhhhh Rebbbbbbb!

MY thoughts:

⁃ Reb is obsessed with this recipe and she LOVES it so I will definitely try it.

⁃ Ok, this could be nice. I haven’t tried anything like it before so I might really like it.

⁃ I haven’t had a creamy pasta sauce in YEARS and probably wouldn’t pick it so this is such a good challenge.

⁃ I’m going to get mum to help me cook it so I don’t compensate or skip on any ingredients.

⁃ It tastes GOOD!

⁃ Definitely not like anything I’ve had before but glad she chose it and has introduced me to something new.

⁃ Will be able to join in with her when she makes it at home!

Creamy and dreamy

Follow this link to get the recipe!


Pudding

“A chocolate spread mug cake!”

My automatic ED thoughts:

⁃ FFS this is another really hard one.

⁃ I’m pretty confident I know how many calories will be in this and the number SCARES me.

⁃ Don’t often have things like cake…

⁃ Will I cook it right?

⁃ Will it be hot enough?

⁃ Will it be too dry?

(At the point of writing this post I haven’t actually eaten this yet but thought I’d include my actual thoughts anyway)

MY thoughts:

⁃ Another of Reb’s favourites!

⁃ Last time I had one of these was at Phub and Reb’s house about 5 or 6 years ago!

⁃ Numbers don’t actually scare me and there is never too much food in recovery (or ever).

⁃ Need to challenge cake more often as it’s not something we usually have in the house..

⁃ I know that it will taste good and am glad she suggested it!


So there we go, another day of handing over control. Like most challenges, the more you do them the easier they get and today was no exception. I need to continue to do this over and over again until I literally do not care if Bob or Sally chooses what I’m eating.

It’s also important to note though that today, for example, I ate the flapjack even though it was pretty grim and I did that because I needed to prove to myself that I could. I’m not going to eat foods I don’t like for the rest of my life to “challenge” it because eating foods you don’t like is a bit pointless and like, a bit sad? I just ate it because I needed to know that it wasn’t my eating disorder telling me I didn’t like it and I should through it away. It is definitely fine to not like things. You can get something else if you don’t like it. I personally, today, just couldn’t be bothered to wait in another ridiculously long queue, so I ate the flapjack and moved on. Capeesh?

Biggest lesson of the day: creamy pasta does not equal evil demon panic-inducing poison but instead is actually quite delicious and something I will be challenge-repeat-ing for the foreseeable future. And if I can do it, you can. Hundy P baby 😎

You’ll never guess who’s choosing next week… See ya then!

Lots of love, L xxxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s