Friends! Hello! I came back from Disneyland Paris on Wednesday night so thought I’d do a quick update on how things are going. Not sure if anyone is interested but sometimes it’s nice just to let things out.
In short, I had such an amazing time. I went with Phoebe and Rebecca, my best friends from primary school who I’ve known for over 16 years! I often think they know me better than I know myself. We can be absolute weirdos together and that’s why I love them. They’ve been beside me through everything and I owe them the world for that. When I was really ill, I was a pretty rubbish friend to be honest. I didn’t care about anything, didn’t want to do anything or see anyone. It’s only when you have a restrictive eating disorder when you realise how much socialising and celebrating involves food. Literally everything involves food so I couldn’t get involved.
But these past few days in Paris I ate completely unrestricted. I ate until I was full at every meal and snack and tried all the yummy foods we could find. This involved smoothies, frappés, waffles, churros, pretzels, crisps, pizzas, cocktails, ice cream and milkshakes. It was incredible. My extreme hunger was pretty strong but I managed to satisfy it completely every time I ate. It was hard, and often meant I had to eat a lot more than Phoebe and Rebecca but I knew they understood. I need it to heal.
We went on all our favourite rides 5 or 6 times and we loved every second of it. We also visited the Eiffel Tower which was incredible; it’s something I’ve never done but have always wanted to do!
The weather was amazing too. Around 25-30 degrees every day and sunny. It was slightly annoying having to wear masks all the time, even on the rides, but we knew it had to be done. It was a bit silly though as in most of them mine fell off…
Back in England we have a few really exciting days coming up. Today is Immy’s birthday so we’re going out for brunch in an Australian-style cafe for açai bowls in London. Yum! Then we’re off shopping which I always love. We also have a few surprises in store for Mum’s birthday on Sunday but I can’t say them yet!
In terms of how I’m doing mentally, things are still pretty tough. Urges are strong and every day is a struggle. I’m trying to hang in there but I’d be lying if I said I always fight and win. Sometimes it just all seems too hard. I still really struggle with comparison and body image which are the things that are holding me back the most I think. Part of me is still clinging on to my eating disorder and I know how easy it would be to slip back. It’s tempting, it really is. I still miss my smaller body…
But for now, I’m just going to enjoy these next few days and make the most of the amazing time I can spend with family and friends. I’m going to take in all the lovely foods and treats that are offered to me and savour these times.
That’s all from me for now I think! Sending lots of hugs and love as always. Leithy 🖤🌈