Honest update – why I’ve been MIA

Hey friends. I know I’ve been MIA for a while. I’m sorry. If I’m completely honest I’ve been struggling. A lot. The ED voice was winning for a while and I’ve been scared. I felt hopeless and lost. I have the most amazing support around me but sometimes I just feel like I don’t want to recover. Sometimes I miss my old body. I hate that people assume I’m better because I’m heavier. I hate the way my legs feel when they touch. I hate the fact I can’t feel my bones protruding. I hate the fact I have to eat more than everyone else to heal. Often I don’t even know if I want to heal. I know I’m being selfish. I know. I’m just fighting hard at the moment. Last week I let restriction take over again. It crept up on me and swallowed me whole. I cried, shouted and even ran away for a bit. I was terrified. But with the help of those around me I kicked the bastard in the balls. Every minute of every day I’m battling against my head. But I’ll keep going. When the voices are strong, I’ll be stronger. 

I have the most exciting few weeks coming up, though. On Sunday morning I’m off, with my 2 besties Phoebe and Rebecca, to Disneyland Paris for 4 days. This trip was supposed to happen for their 18th birthday but I was too ill to go. We postponed it to Christmas that year. But I was too ill to go. Then Summer the next year. But I was too ill to go. It seemed like we were never going to go. But here we are, going. It’s been a long time coming. 

The trip has been a huge motivator for me over the past few days. I want to be well enough to have the best time ever, I want to escape for a few days and I bet there’s nowhere better to.

I’ve also made a promise to Phub and Reb that I’ll go on any ride they want me to… This is quite a big deal if you know me well as I had a breakdown at the Abingdon Fair one year over a simulator of a rollercoaster; not even a rollercoaster. There was crying let’s just put it that way. Bad, bad mems…

The week after that it’s Immy and Mum’s birthdays. No doubt there will be lots of celebrations for that. I’m excited, but my eating disorder is terrified. I won’t let it take me over though. I, Leith, am looking forward to it. And that’s what I have to grab hold of.

So that’s it. Short and sweet but honest. I’m going to try and post a bit more and be as open as possible. I’m still plodding on, struggling but fighting. I’ll always fight. 

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