The Outpatient Diaries: 18.06.20

[Side-note: I know, I know, I’m starting to do the daily diaries again. Surprisingly, it was frequently requested. It might not be as dramatic as the Inpatient Diaries but hopefully it will still be slightly interesting? Who knows. We will just have to see how this goes I suppose.]

8:20 Shuggs wakes me up by cleaning my face with his tongue. It feels like someone is rubbing sandpaper over me. Yum.

8:30 I go downstairs and have a big ol’ slice of tiffin (yes we make several batches a week) because I want to. I’m hungry. As always. I think about the day when I’ll be able to wake up and NOT have to run straight to the fridge. It seems impossible.

8:45 Mum and I take Shuggs round the block in the rain.

9:00 I am supposed to be meeting my friends Indi and Jess from my Christmas 2019 admission. We are supposed to see her new puppy and get a cruffin but the rain isn’t looking promising. I text them and ask whether we should postpone to next week.

9:06 We postpone. I go and get breakfast. I have 2 big bowls of granola (passion fruit and pistachio flavour – I know how classy is that), yoghurt, kefir and fruit. I’ve done lots of research into gut health because mine is basically destroyed so I’m doing all I can to get it back working healthily again, hence the kefir.

9:45 I finish brekkie and another few bits of tiffin and also biscoff blondie (absolutely amazing). It’s often at this point where I stress out, because I am just so hungry in the mornings. I google when extreme hunger ends and get the same answer as always – it’s different for everyone. This doesn’t help. I message Jan my therapist for reassurance. I try and distract myself.

10:00 I get dressed. I bought loads of new clothes yesterday. They are much, much bigger than my old ones and my recovery body loves them. I try not to think about the size numbers, pop them on and feel comfy AF.

10:10 Mum and I put our coats on and take Shuggs out.

10:45 We drive to Ikea. I write my blog post on overcoming ED habits on the way. It’s busy. It’s only when you are trying to avoid mirrors do you realise that Ikea is probably the worst place on earth for this. THERE ARE MIRRORS EVERYWHERE. My ED head (ED head, lol) takes over and I take my jumper off to look at my arms in the mirror whilst Mum and Immy look at wardrobes. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. This goes around my head for a good 5 minutes and I can feel the panic burning up inside me. I know I look stupid as I pinch my arms and tummy but I can’t help it. I’m getting hotter and hotter. I take a deep breath and move away from the mirrors.

1:05 We are now in Costco. I. Love. Costco. It’s one of the best places I swear. If you don’t know what it is (not sure why you wouldn’t) it’s basically a huge warehouse chock-a-blocked with huge products sold in bulk. I’m pretty sure it’s where people who own corner shops buy their produce from but we like to go to just buy big stuff for bargains. Lol. I get my hands on an enormous PB and some goji berries so I’m a happy girl.

3:00 We go to the Costa drive through for lunch. I have an egg mayo sandwich and a coffee Frostino of course.

4:00 We arrive home and I have a big slab of tiffin and some blondie. Yum. I also eat a bit of PB out of the jar. I’m not hungry but it’s what I crave so I need to honour that.

4:30 My hip hurts. It’s been sore for a good few weeks now and it’s really getting me down. I’d like to do a run or a workout with Immy but I just can’t because it’s too sore. It’s frustrating.

5:00 Mum and I take Shuggs out. It’s raining so Mum’s wearing her big poncho. It makes me giggle. Shuggs runs around like mad with lots of other dogs.

6:00 Immy and I do some gentle yoga.

7:10 For tea we have home-made chicken parmi, with baked sweet potatoes. It’s really yum.

8:00 We watch TV and I have a yoghurt bowl with fruit.

8:25 I play with Shuggs on the floor.

9:00 We watch the Best of Big Brother show (we are huge BB fans and have been for years).

9:15 I finish off the tiffin and have some more blondie.

11:00 I go to bed and continue reading My Dark Vanessa (it’s amazing, highly recommend!).

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