Hey everyone! I hope you’re well. Thought an update was due as I haven’t been doing as many blog posts recently. I hope to write a bit more from now though.
I’ve not been as busy this week because of the weather but I’ve still had a lovely time. There have definitely been a few lows over the past few days though. On Monday I got a phone call from a social worker who said some pretty triggering and hurtful things. She told me my biggest fears were true and that I was “doing recovery wrong”. I don’t want to get into the details of the conversation as it may be unhelpful to others struggling. I hung up the phone feeling deflated, sad and scared. Luckily, I got immediate support from Immy, my Mum and my therapist who all reassured me that the lady was wrong and knew nothing about me (plus a lot of colourful language about her views). However, if I had received this phone call even a few months ago, I would have absolutely spiralled and completely relapsed…
Even better, after this *interesting* conversation, I had to go to the GP straight away. I was going for a weight, a blood test and a blood pressure check. Bloods and blood pressure fine. The nurse then asked me to step on the scales. I had already agreed with Mum that I wouldn’t look but my anorexic silly brain thought it was a perfect opportunity to get an idea of where I am weight wise. So, I looked. Ugh. WHY DID I LOOK?! The number ended up TERRIFYING me. My anorexia also made me look up where I sat on the BMI scale. BAD IDEA. I panic. I wasn’t even this heavy pre-ED. I speak to Mum who reminds me I’m swollen, bloated and most importantly, HEALING. My body needs to be at this weight in order to repair everything. My therapist tells me BMI actually stands for Bollocky Mindless Idiots and I have a good old giggle at that. I text Catherine and she reassured me too. How lucky I am to have these lovely people in my life.
I managed to put that day behind me, luckily. I’m still 100% committed to my recovery and have found real peace in seeing other people’s similar journeys. They’re so inspiring and I hope to be there for others too.
Other things I’ve done this week have included: making bread (it was rubbish lol), walks at Shotover, pizza and Prosecco at Katie’s, lots of book deliveries and online shopping! I’ve got to the point in my recovery where literally NOTHING fits me anymore. I’m wearing leggings and oversized t-shirts everyday so I decided to go for it and buy some nice clothes in bigger sizes that I’ll be able to actually feel good in! I can’t wait for them to arrive.
Right, I better get back to life. Tonight I’ve had a glass of wine with Mum and I’ve just enjoyed a huge ol’ bowl of Cheerios after dinner. Life is good.
Great to hear an update from you. Easier said than done but dont let this get in the way of your recovery. Remember it’s YOUR life and how can you be doing recovering “wrong” if you are moving forward and feeling better than you have done before? That to me sounds pretty right.
Can’t believe I’ve missed a load of these posts. You are an amazing human being (and writer) & you’re doing so well!
Sorry, small history rant coming up –
Your therapist is right, BMI is so, so idiotic and apparently was originally invented ONLY to measure populations as a whole – definitely not individuals with all their infinite complexity! There’s even a book by historian Sabrina Strings which talks about the racism and sexism inherent in it the past, as a way to control women, basically. I think the topics it covers might be triggering, and would be horrified to cause you upset by recommending it, but just wanted to share it in case at some point in the future you’re looking for related academic stuff 🙂
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