Hello lovely people. Long time no post. I thought I would give you all an update now that it has officially been over 1 week since discharge! Time really has flown by but hospital seems like a lifetime ago. I’ve had an absolutely incredible week; I’ve been on dog walks, done yoga in the sunshine, swam in a lake, ate brownies, tiffin and Mum’s classic recipes. I’ve seen friends (from a distance), watched films, drank milkshakes and have done face masks with Immy. I’ve even had a Chinese takeaway! This past week has honestly been one of the best of my life.
However, I’d be lying if I said it was all rainbows and roses. Right now, I’m writing this post after having a big old cry to Mum. 30 minutes ago I had my night snack which was a bowl choc-a-block full of chocolate, sweets and biscuits. This is after my dinner and dessert of course. I ate it, and enjoyed it, but then my ED kicked in big time. I shouldn’t have eaten that, it told me. I’m greedy, it told me. I’m going to have to not eat tomorrow, it told me. I looked down at my protruding tummy and sobbed. I’m so bloated to the point of pain from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I’m in a constant state of anxiety that my extreme hunger will never end and that I will keep on pumping up like a balloon. I know this is irrational and I know that being bigger is nothing to be afraid of but it’s still how I feel. I ask Mum and Immy for CONSTANT reassurance. They tell me that my curves will come back and that I won’t be this hungry forever. I get Mum to pinky promise me that it will all work out in the end. It helps but I’m still scared. This is something I know I need to overcome.
Mum told me an amazing analogy tonight which really made me feel better about my tummy and just recovery in general. She compared my body storing the food it’s getting at the moment to people stockpiling loo roll during the initial lock-down. It’s so true though! My body is grabbing all the food it can get in case there is a shortage in the future. It will all be mad for a bit but over time it will calm down and realise that it doesn’t need to any more and things will be back to normal. Mums are just the best, right?
In other, better, news, I finally found a therapist! I’m so happy as I have been following this one on instagram for a while and Mum always tags me in her motivational posts. She isn’t connected to the hospital but I love her approach. Unfortunately, her daughter suffered from anorexia but her recovery is what inspired her to create her motivational account. I can’t wait to get started with her. I have my introductory session on Friday so I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes. I haven’t actually had proper therapy in months! Hopefully it will also take the pressure off Mum and Immy.
I also thought I would try and go back to daily posts as I miss writing! I’m considering each day doing positive affirmations, things I’m grateful for, mindful intentions and things like that! Let me know what you think and if there’s things you think could be improved. I love getting feedback.
Another brave and honest post! We’re all still here for you, would love daily posts again xxx
Stay strong, one day you will look back and know it was all worth it.