Tonight I’ve been thinking and you know what? I believe in magic. I see it existing around me all the time. Although the tricks can be explained logically and by something really ordinary and boring, I’d rather not ruin the fun. I’m only now learning to accept the fact that most people fill their days with “mere coincidence”, but it’s okay for me to fill mine with “OMG! That’s unbelievable!” if that’s what I want to do. Not everyone is going to experience the excitement in the same way as me, or even at all. Although that’s sad for them, I need to accept this fact and focus on my own path. Being in hospital has shown me how different people’s journeys can be but ultimately the most important one is mine.
A huge part of my recovery is becoming a new person. I have already been told by a few people that I’ve seemed different recently and that is the best news ever! I’m ashamed of the type of person my eating disorder made me become: selfish, deceitful, lonely, rude. I now have the opportunity to be anything and anyone I want to be. And hell, am I making the most of this incredible opportunity. I’m going to get specific and I’m going to get greedy. I am holding a magic wand and I can conjure up anyone I want. Perhaps when I write my wishes on this blog I am actually casting a spell for my dreams to come true. Or, in a more practical sense, maybe the more people who hear about who I want to be and what I want to do (see my recovery bucket list post), the more folks there are who know what I want and might help to make them a reality. Either way, I’m not going to wait any longer. I’m going to manifest myself in that way and become who I want to be.
Becoming a new and better person means ignoring my ED voice. I need to separate my intuition from my mental chatter in order to find clarity. The clarity of my intuition is like an orange: familiar, simple and sweet. The mental chatter on the other hand is a bitter, confusing and twisted peel that I take off and throw into the bin (or a compost heap, if your mental chatter is organic because #plantbased) because I don’t need it and it doesn’t add anything valuable to my life.
So, moving forward. I’m going to embrace the magic of my life – my incredible family who also double as my best friends, my best pals who have supported me all the way and continue to do so and also the magical pathway that has been laid for me to follow in order to recover. Not only this, I promise to manifest signs of new beginnings and present myself as the best person I can be. Finally, I’ll listen to my intuition and follow my inner self – the healthy, happy Leith.