The Inpatient Diaries: Day 23

7:55 I wake up, shower, get dressed (into my new vintage short dungarees and a white T-shirt) and brush my teeth.

8:15 I go to breakfast and have bran flakes, grapefruit juice, toast with crunchy peanut butter and a coffee. I get on well with the new patient on my table and she tells me all about her children and life at home. She’s pretty inspiring. One of today’s dingbats:

9:30 I go to the art room with the patient from my table and we make bracelets and paint. We talk about how we will go on a shopping trip for new clothes when we get out of here and she tells me she’s always wanted to try salsa and belly dancing. I tell her I’d go with her for lessons. I think I’ve made a friend.

10:30 I’m back in my room now and I facetime Dad for a catch up.

11:00 Snack is 3 custard cremes, an apple and some squash.

11:20 I clean my room and realise that I bought WAY too many clothes. Half of them I haven’t even worn yet and the other half no longer fit me…. Ah well.

11:45 There is a patient screaming at the top of her voice. There is a lot of door-slamming.

11:55 I facetime Mum.

12:30 For lunch I have sausages, onion gravy and the dreaded mash. It is as bad as it always is. The new patient on my table (my friend) asks why it’s grey. Bless her, she was probably like me and had high hopes for the mash I tell her to try not to think about it… Pudding is chocolate trifle which isn’t actually a trifle at all; more like choccy mousse with a few flecks of white chocolate on the top. It’s quite good. I have a tea even though the dining room is absolutely sweltering. I think I’ve just got in the habit of having them now.

1:00 I facetime Immy and sit in the garden.

1:30 I write and watch foodie tiktoks again.

2:45 I go for my walk and see lots of people having picnics. Are they allowed to do that? I feel so detached from the real world. I haven’t actually lived in lockdown-world because I’ve been in hospital all the time. Weird. I think about the last time I had a picnic (can barely remember). I get a little surge of motivation.

3:10 I’m on my walk and suddenly I come across a HUGE dead rat. I scream. My heart is beating so fast, faster than I would have expected it to go on seeing a rat. It’s really sad but also really, really gross.

3:30 I’m back on the ward now and for snack I have a slice of marble cake, salt and vinegar hula hoops and a tea.

3:50 The patient from my table has just run into my room letting me know she melted her loofa on her heater. She has been complaining of her room being too hot all day and didn’t realise her heater was on. I laugh. I can’t remember the last time I actually laughed at something. Mindblown.

4:10 I message some old inpatient friends and we talk about our struggles. One of them says how different I seem now. More motivated she says. This comment really hits home because I’m aware of how selfish and rude EDs make people. I don’t want to be that Leith anymore.

4:30 I sit in the garden.

5:00 I facetime Mum.

6:00 Tea is a brown roll, hummus and salad followed by banana and custard and a cuppa. I talk with one of the patients on my table a lot and she offers to plait my hair later.

6:30 The patient comes to my room and shows me a picture of her daughter’s hair she did for her prom. It’s amazing. She does mine and we talk for ages about our histories in ED units and recovery. She’s been through so much. She tells me about her complex family and her history with alcohol and I’m in awe of her bravery. She gives me a body spray because we spoke earlier about how we hate the hospital smell on the ward. She’s so kind. I hope we can stay friends.

7:45 I facetime Mum and we watch TV.

9:15 For night snack I have 3 weetabix, a banana and a decaf coffee. I speak to another patient who is on free pouring which means you don’t have to measure anything (it’s like the step before going upstairs). I decide to ask for this on Monday at my CTM.

9:45 Watch Through the Keyhole with Mum and Immy.

Only 19 hours left until the announcement tomorrow. I feel nervous for Monday and my CTM but hopefully things will start to look up from tomorrow. Who knows though. Don’t want to get my hopes up. Another day down! Sleep well, lots of love xxx

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