The Inpatient Diaries: Day 22

6:30 I am woken up for optionals. I grunt because I can’t be bothered to go and wasn’t planning on it today. Optionals. OPTION-als. My option is no, thanks.

7:45 I wake up, get dressed and brush my teeth. I look in the mirror at my skin. It’s painful, red and pretty bad. I’m on antibiotics for my acne already but it’s flared up again. When my skin is like this it really gets me down. I try not to

8:15 Breakfast. 4 weetabix, grapefruit juice, 2 slices of toast – one with PB one with choccy spread. Tea. This was one of this morning’s dingbats, if you get it please let me know! Personally I think this one is too easy…

9:10 I get my meds and talk to the nurse about whether or not she thinks we’ll be allowed home leave any time soon. She says no. I get upset. She takes my heart rate and it’s unusually high. We have to wait for it to go down because I’ve got so anxious I’ve made it go awol.

9:20 I go back to my room and lie in my bed, crying,

9:25 I get a text from Mum asking if I’m ok. How does she know? Mum instincts I suppose.

9:45 I facetime Immy and we watch the final episode of Outer Banks. She spills coffee all over her phone and I hear her wiping furiously at the screen. Lol. She gets annoyed at me for laughing at her. Btdubz the ending of Outer Banks is actually hilarious – Immy and I just could not take it seriously.

11:00 Snack is 3 ginger nuts and an apple and a tea. I don’t try and dunk the gingernuts because I can’t be bothered to get told off.

11:30 I realise this is the 21st diary (so technically my 22nd day as I didn’t count admission day). It seems like I’ve been here for months and months and I can barely remember being admitted but at the same time I’m proud I’ve got this far. I reflect on the fact I’ve been in hospital for over 7 weeks now. I’m not wasting any more time to this.

12:30 For lunch I have quiche and chips followed by a yoghurt and an apple. A patient is upset because of an other patient’s behaviours. I keep my head down and focus. Think of recovery. Think of everyone’s support. Think of home.

1:10 After lunch a small group of patients and I play Uno in the sunshine in the garden and then we play rummy. It’s fun and the other patients are lovely.

2:15 I go to the Weekly Reflections group. It’s nice and we talk about our hopes for Sunday. Home leave is on everyone’s minds. We don’t want to get our hopes up though. We discuss how in the news today they announced deaths in mental health hospitals have doubled during lockdown. Nobody here is surprised.

2:50 I go on my 30 minute walk. I listen to Adam Buxton’s new audio book. If you didn’t already know, I am Adam Buxton’s BIGGEST fan. I love him. Mum bought me tickets to go and see him the day before my birthday but of course it’s no longer on. Listening to him always makes me happy and his podcasts have been a constant in my life for a few years now. Love, love Buckles. And Rosie. Woof.

3:30 Snack is salt and vinegar hula hoops, a humongous banana and hot choccy nesquick. The hot nesquick is amazing but I’m overheating a tad. Ah well. The sacrifices made for choccy milk.

4:00 I go to my room and watch tiktoks. I find myself delving into the plant-based community on tiktok and time flies by. I have no idea what I’m even watching, or if I would ever actually enjoy a cashew-based mac and cheese, but I find myself captivated.

4:30 I tear myself away from tiktok and watch Desperate Housewives with Immy. I forgot how much I love this show. Oh joy! (A genuine “joy!” for once) there are 8 seasons, each with around 24 40-minute episodes!

5:45 I do some soduko. I think (hope, desparately) that I’m getting better at them. Peep Brooks who got amazing at them during our month in Peru.

6:00 For dinner it’s tomato soup (very nice actually!), a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich, salad with garlic and herb dressing then a strawberry muller rice. I like the muller rice but it’s definitely a hospital food – so random and we have SO MANY here. The salted caramel or custard ones are the best, FYI.

6:45 I facetime Mum whilst her and Immy have dinner. I make a start on my anorexia question and answer post and reflect on how far I’ve come. I’m a fricken superstar.

7:30 I really, really want a massage right now. How amazing would that be? In this moment I can’t think of many things much better. Ugh. I tell Mum how much I could do with one and she agrees. We’ll go together once this blows over. Cannae wait.

7:40 Mum tells me it’s nice outside. She tells me to go and sit in the garden. I do and she’s right – it is nice outside. I think about how much I love being outside and make a pact to myself that when I’m better I’m going to do more stuff outside. Whether it’s just sitting outside in the sun, walking Shuggs or going for a run. This thought excites me and I feel weirdly at peace with things.

8:00 Sitting in the garden, writing. I have recently realised how happy writing makes me and I hope to continue with it for as long as I can.

8:20 I go to the loo. There is sick in there. I’m not surprised. I tell a nurse. Welcome to the ED unit.

8:50 I do a facemask whilst watching Celebrity SAS and moisturise because #selfcare.

9:15 For snack I have PB and choccy spread toast.

9:45 I facetime Mum and say goodnight before having my meds. I’ll optional-ly go to optionals later (it’s a 10:30).

That’s it for today! Only 43 hours until the update but I’m trying very hard not to get too hopeful. Just got to keep swimming. Love as always xxxx

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