The Inpatient Diaries: Day 21

5:45 I am woken to be weighed. My weight is up again and it makes me excited. Not long now, I tell myself.

6:00 I try and go back to sleep but know I won’t. I have a shower and wash my hair. I clean the hair out of the shower and make a point of it because I know how angry people get about it…

6:30 I go to optionals and have a tea with brown sugar (thought I’d try it). It was alright but probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. Worth a try though.

6:45 Me and 3 of the other patients do the daily dingbats that are written on the whiteboard. I feel quite proud of myself when I get “peace be with you” from this:

7:05 I go back to my room and scroll through instagram. I read some recovery blogs and get myself inspired and psyched up for the day. I’m gonna smash it.

8:15 Breakfast time. I have shreddies, grapefruit juice, toast with butter then with PB and honey. Thought trying honey would be a good idea but it was gross. Not sure what possessed me to put the honey on the peanut butter but in my head it was an amazing combination (I’ve never actually had honey, I think I was expecting it to be like golden syrup). Ooh that’s an idea. Peanut butter and maple syrup. Maybe on pancakes? Hello.

8:45 I facetime Dad and we have a catch up. He hopes to come over from Sydney soon. I’d love that.

9:15 I speak to Mum and Immy.

10:00 The hospital physiotherapist comes into my room and tells me that I can’t have my yoga mat anymore. I tell her I’ve literally used it twice my whole admission and that I was stretching with Immy over facetime. She tells me the nurses think I’m exercising in my room and it’s unfair on the other patients. I cry. I worry that the nurses will now be suspicious of me and that this will have put me backwards even though I barely ever use it and when I do, the most I do is trying to touch my toes. I’m very upset.

10:15 I speak to a nurse and explain why I’m so upset. He tells me not to worry. I worry.

10:30 We do Tai Chi in the garden. It’s my first time trying Tai Chi and I find it really quite odd. The physio tells us to imagine we are holding a bowl of soup in each hand and we mustn’t spill them. We have to hold one bowl of soup and push that hand forwards and back over and over. Then the same with the other hand. Then, still holding the soup, (it’s probably stone cold by now) we must side lunge, slowly, slowly, SLOWER! in order not to spill it. This is all accompanied by some slightly creepy spiritual music and goes on for about twenty minutes.

11:00 Snack is 3 custard creams, an apple and a tea. Didn’t know I liked custard creams. But definitely won’t have them outside hospital. Those alongside bourbons, hula hoops, crumble, custard, shreddies and plain toast. Never again after this. Oh and probably tea too. Literally I only drink this much tea at hospital and it will remind me of it too much.

11:30 Community meeting where we discuss how we feel about this weekend’s COVID announcement. Some people say they feel they can’t recover at the moment because we’re unable to practise anything at home. I agree. It feels a bit pointless and inauthentic just eating in here. I’m desperate for some of the restrictions to be lifted.

11:45 I facetime Immy and do some suduko on my nintendo.

12:30 Lunch is a brown roll with margarine (ew), salad, hummus and sweet chilli sauce then plum crumble and hot custard with a tea. The crumble is good (not as good as Mum’s rhubarb one though, it’s to die for) but overall I’d give the meal a measly 6.

1:15 I go back to my room, blast some music and do some buzzfeed quizzes (thanks to Ellie). I discover that I am actually emotionally 45 and would be Billie Eilish over Ariana Grande. Thank God I found that out.

1:30 Mum and I discover a recovered anorexic on instagram who has a jar full of her favourite foods that she eats until she gets full. I start making a list of foods I want to have in my jar at home and get excited to eat all of them. I worry slightly that I’ll never be full but am starting to realise that’s because I have restricted for so long and my body needs to repair itself so no wonder it needs a little more. No food is ever, ever too much for anyone. This thought reassures me. Our bodies, our rules.

2:00 The doctor comes and tells me I’m allowed 30 minutes ground leave! Woohoo! I’m so happy. He tells me I’m making good progress with my weight.

2:30 DBT group on distress tolerance. We discuss distraction techniques and ways to self-soothe. I try and engage as much as I can and it pays off at the end of the session when the occupational therapist says I’m doing really well. This cheers me up loads and motivates me for the rest of the day.

3:30 Snack is a KitKat, some raisins, an apple and some strawberry milk (hot).

4:00 Play Uno with the other patients.

4:30 I take my ground leave (half an hour – woohoo!).

6:00 Tea is baked beans and cheese on a jacket potato then a muller rice. Potato is not crispy (sad times).

6:35 I facetime Mum whilst she takes Shuggs around the block. We talk about how amazing it would be to get home leave. IT’S LITERALLY MY BIGGEST WISH RIGHT NOW AND WHAT’S KEEPING ME TOGETHER! Ugh. I make a countdown to the Sunday announcement on my laptop. Only 70 hours to go.

7:47 Only 69 hours 12 minutes and 53 seconds to go.

8:00 I go outside with a few of the nurses and we clap and cheer for the NHS. Cars honk their horns.

8:15 Mum, Immy and I watch Celebrity SAS.

9:15 Snack is muesli (had this for the first time yesterday and it was DELISH – nutty, chewy goodness).

Yet another day down! Not long now (67 hours 24 minutes) until we hear the news from the government. Hope everyone is holding up alright. Love, Leith xx