Conceptualising freedom, growing waistlines and sweat.

Hi again, after today’s update I still had quite a bit I wanted to talk about so thought I would do yet another rambly post. I’ve been thinking a lot today about how my situation, of having to be in hospital in order to overcome my anorexia, is practically the exact same as everyone else’s. Instead of overcoming an existing illness through, you’re staying at home in order to prevent the spread of an illness. Although unfortunate, it’s a reassuring thought for me. The obvious differences include most people being physically at home and with ones they love, not surrounded by distressing behaviours, but I understand wholeheartedly that isn’t the case for some. So for anyone out there struggling at the moment, with or without loved ones around you, please know I’m here with you every step of the way and would be more than happy to talk/message/facetime. Another difference is that I know the maximum time that my “lockdown” will last (June 22nd). This is a real positive for me as it makes me feel less trapped and hopeless, but of course for the public there is no such thing and for that I really empathise with you all. We’ll get through it though, I know we will.

I’ve also of course been having to deal with weight gain. This has been hard recently and I am very very aware of my body image. I feel nervous when new patients come in as I worry they won’t see me as deserving treatment but at the same time I know this is something I have to overcome in order to recover. Many of my clothes that I brought with me (that I thought would still fit me at a healthy weight) no longer fit which has been mentally really challenging. I still get the odd surge of excitement thinking about my new wardrobe but at the same time, I love the clothes I have now. It’s a hard one.

Oh god here comes the “sweat” part. This might be wayyyy TMI but I want to keep as honest and open as I can on here and document what I’m going through. Basically, two words: night sweats. They have been ongoing since I started treatment here and they. are. the. worst. Every morning I’m literally waking up dripping and the sheets are 3 shades darker. It’s so disgusting and I actually hate it. I don’t even feel hot! Genuinely one of the worst parts of recovery. Having said that, it is recovery! It’s a physical sign that I’m getting better and that in itself is amazing. I just hope (and pray and hope and pray) that they’ll end soon.

Anyway, those were just a few of my thoughts this evening. I hope you’re all having a nice one and are keeping sane. Big love, Leith xx