The Inpatient Diaries: Day 19

12:36 I can’t sleep.

3:30 I managed to sleep. Until now. One by one my pictures are falling off my wall. This has been happening now for about 20 minutes but I’m too lazy to actually get up and take them all down. Instead, I wait, hoping that each photo falling is the last and in between each one, dozing. It wakes me up with a start every time. I think about how many pictures I actually put up and hope there can’t be many left. Of course, I could just look as the room isn’t that dark, but that would involve taking my eyemask off and I really can’t be bothered. I wait.

3:45 Another one just fell and I’m awake again.

4:02 And another. But that last one must have knocked something off my table because I hear a louder thump. Ugh. At least this will give me something else to do tomorrow and will pass some time?

7:45 I wake up, have my meds and get dressed. I decide to wear a skirt because it finally fits me and it’s supposed to be sunny. I would NEVER have done this in my previous admissions. Don’t get me wrong, it will still be hard and I’ll doubt myself almost every minute of the day, but it’s progress and I’m proud of myself. Plus, it’s a really nice skirt.

8:15 Brekky is the usual on Tuesdays (cereal rotation day – joy) hot shreddies, grapefruit juice then (crunchy PB) toasts followed by a brew. I am still the only person who has peanut butter which I think speaks for itself, but hey ho – more for me!

9:00 I facetime Immy whilst I put up my pictures again. I use tape for all of them this time rather than the measly white-tac I had previously. This takes a surprisingly long time so the morning goes by relatively fast.

11:00 Snack is a banana, an apple and strawberry nesquick. Blimey, strawberry milk is good. Reminds me of swimming lessons when I was younger and those mini milk ice lollies. I’m going to have loads of mini milks when I’m out (hahah but I’m not lying ps. Mum please stock up). I did have this strawberry milk hot though, which to be honest, was a first. Not sure why this hospital seems to be obsessed with heating things but I’m not complaining. In fact, highly recommend hot strawberry milk.

11:20 We have another community meeting. People complain about hair in the shower.

11:45 I am sitting in the garden playing Rummy with 4 other patients.

12:30 Lunch is challenging. Like really, really hard. It’s pizza which is yummy followed by a cornetto which was nice too. What wasn’t so nice though, is the behaviours shown in the dining room. I struggle, a lot. I try to block it out and stay in my lane. This is hard, I tell myself. I tell myself this is probably the hardest thing I will ever have to face. That thought doesn’t help. I just sit there, eat and get through the meal. I have my tea and go back to my room as soon as I can.

1:00 I gather messages of support I have received over the past few weeks with the hope to print them out and make a collage type thing. I’m not really sure what I’m doing but I need the pick-me-up and re-reading everyone’s kind words really helps. I feel a bit better.

2:30 I take my walk in the meadow. It’s warm and the sun is shining. Glad I have my legs out (lol but really).

3:30 Snack time again. Feels like I’m always having snacks but then again I’m still quite hungry. Definitely not complaining. I have a slice of marble cake, strawberry nesquick again (think I’m going through a phase – don’t worry it will pass, just like the BBQ hula hoops phase) and an apple. I ignore all the behaviours and look at my toy octopus I bring to the dining room with me. He’s nice to fiddle with (my version of a tangle) and is called Olly the octopus.

4:00 I write notes for my CPA tomorrow. I’m nervous. Very very nervous. But it also can’t come sooner. Not sure how to feel. Got to keep it together tomorrow though.

5:10 I draw and colour in.

6:00 Dinner is hard again but not as bad as lunch. I have an egg mayo sandwich, BBQ hula hoops (I’m worried I’ve had too many and that I’m going off them AKA time to choose something else before they lose their greatness methinks) and an apple. The patient who is struggling knows that I have noticed her behaviours. It creates an awkward tension between us because the nurse on our table hasn’t seen her. I don’t know what to do. I go back to my room.

7:00 I read this article on extreme hunger by one of my biggest recovery inspirations, Yasmin. It reassures me and inspires me. I hope one day I can do the same.

8:00 Mum and I watch Killing Eve. We talk about what an amazing actress Jodie Comer is and how cool Villanelle is.

9:15 Snack is a cup of tea, and 2 slices of toast, one with crunchy PB and the other with choccy spread.

9:48 I facetime Mum again and say goodnight.

Nervous for tomorrow but fingers crossed it all goes well. It’s at 11:30 so the morning will seem long but hopefully afterwards I’ll get some answers. Another day closer! Lots of love to all. 🥰

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