The Inpatient Diaries: Day 18

5:45 I am woken up and weighed. I see the number and work out in my head how long it would take to reach my target BMI. I feel excited but sad. I try and go back to sleep but can’t. My mind is too busy.

6:30 I go to optionals and have a cup of tea. I look at the board and see the tables have changed (Monday). Mine is ok but I know I’m going to have to deal with other patients’ behaviours this week. It will be challenging but I feel positive. At optionals another patient writes some dingbats on the whiteboard. They’re good fun and I’m glad she does it every morning because they are good distractions at the table.

6:45 I go back to bed and read for a bit.

7:40 I shower and get dressed.

8:15 Breakfast is 4 weetabix, grapefruit juice, toast with choccy spread and peanut butter then a tea.

9:00 I play animal crossing (finally have the terraform app!).

10:05 I facetime Rachel and we play animal crossing together which is fun. The game is so nostalgic and calming.

11:00 Snack time. I have 2 dark chocolate digestives (by far the best ones, although closely followed by the caramel ones), a banana and a coffee.

11:25 I facetime Immy and we start the final episode of Outer Banks.

11:45 I go to the art room with the occupational therapist and a few other patients. We are unable to actually do any art though, because they lost the keys to the cupboard, so I take my colouring and do that instead.

12:30 For lunch I have a jacket potato with tuna mayo, salad and then banoffee pie and a tea. I do love a baked potato but this was extremely crunchy…. eek.

1:15 I get carried away looking at and writing recipes for the blog. I read numerous food blogs and watch some Youtube baking tutorials. I can’t wait to get back into it. (And actually try my stuff!)

2:30 I take my walk in the meadow. It’s sunny and quite warm which is nice.

3:00 I’m so thirsty. We’re only allowed extra water if we go to the clinic room. Ugh.

3:30 Snack is salt and vinegar hula hoops and a pecan pie nakd bar (this was so nice). Ooh and a tea, obvs.

4:00 I look online for new clothes. Clothes that will actually fit me! Imagine that; being able to wear clothes from ADULT shops that fit. Wow. I forgot how nice and exciting clothes can be, when you don’t just wear as many layers as you can. It’s a brand new world. I’m trying to see it as reinventing myself. Exciting.

5:30 I sit outside in the sun and read for a bit.

6:00 For tea I have bolognese, green (grey) beans then an apple and a yoghurt.

7:00 I have said something to upset Mum and Immy and now they won’t talk to me. I have apologised but I feel horrible and rubbish and sad. I cry when the nurse comes for the 1:1 but can’t really explain how I’m feeling. I miss them so much but I get jealous that they’re together and I say mean things by mistake. I have no good excuse. I lie in bed and cry for a while. I’d usually be facetiming them at this time but they are probably doing other things now. I feel hopeless, worthless and I want to give up. I just want home.

7:47 Mum messages me. She asks me if I want to finish Up. I do.

9:15 For snack they FINALLY HAVE CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER! Woohoo! This makes my evening. I have one slice of toast with it and the other with CADBURY CHOCOLATE SPREAD! We’ve gone up in the world.

9:45 Mum and I watch Killing Eve.

Today was hard, like really hard. But I got through it and it’s another day down. Only 2 more sleeps until my CPA where hopefully I’ll get a better idea about possible discharge dates and the plan going forward. Lots of love to all xxxx