The Inpatient Diaries: Day 15

7:50 I am woken for meds. I forgot to put my usual alarm on.

8:15 For breakfast I decide to have coco pops. This is a massive deal. I have been too scared to have them and it is the first time ever I’ve actually had a bowl of them. I have them warm and they’re good! Next, because it’s Friday which means it’s toast rotation, I have an English muffin with butter on one side (again, a HUGE deal for me as I have been avoiding butter at all costs) and peanut butter on the other side. I wish I had put butter on both sides as soon as I try it, but I am trying to teach myself that dwelling does nothing. I have a coffee too.

9:02 I go back to my room and take out my earrings that have made my ear lobes turn green (good ol’ £4 Brandy Melville jewellery). I facetime Mum whilst she eats a croissant. Mmmm….

9:15 I make origami hearts and post about it on the blog.

10:03 A nurse comes and gives me my delivery from amazon which is a gem art crafty thing which I thought looked fun. It’s huge and will take absolutely ages. It’s perfect.

10:30 I see the dietetic assistant. She assesses my hand grip again and tells me I won’t be able to do my snack out with her next week. It will have to be the week after that because she is so busy. I beg her for next week. I want it to be next week so badly because it would break up the week and mean I would be more likely to get upstairs quicker. I’m a bit panicked about going upstairs because there’s only 1 space left and I know at least 2 other people that want to be there. I’ve been here less than both of them so my chances don’t look that good. I ask her again if she’s sure she’s sure that there’d be no room for me next week. She says no and leaves.

11:00 Snack is the usual BBQ beef hula hoops, an orange and a cup of tea. I’ve got beef-y smelling fingers again (cue the “I smell like beef” vine).

11:25 A few of the patients and I go to the art room with the occupational therapist. I do some watercolour and a bit more origami.

12:30 Lunch is a cheese pasty (it’s disgusting and so so dry, why is everything so dry?), mash (need I describe), mixed veg then a yoghurt and some melon. AKA a very very bad lunch.

1:05 I facetime Mum and speak to her for a bit.

2:00 Weekly reflections group. This is run by the chaplain but isn’t religious. It’s where we talk about the ward and usually by the end everyone has received a compliment from someone else. It’s a nice group but lasts far too long. I’m ready to leave 20 minutes in but unfortunately it’s an hour. Most of the discussion today is how much we dislike the staff wearing masks. They also can’t eat with us at the moment which means they literally just sit opposite you and scrutinise you eating and pointing out any behaviours they deem as being disordered. It’s as bad as it sounds. Turns out I’m not the only one who finds the nurses scary and hates the clinical-ness of it all.

3:05 I go for my ground leave. I get soaking wet.

3:30 For snack I have strawberry nesquick in milk (takes me back), an apple and a nutrigrain bar.

4:00 I put on a facemask as I facetime Immy who is also doing a facemask.

5:00 I speak to Mum then break down crying. I can’t do this. I want to leave. I can’t tell anyone how much I want to leave because then they will section me. I’m trapped. I hate this. Help me.

5:15 I’m still crying but Mum is trying to calm me down. She is suggesting I watch something or read but my mind is too busy to think properly.

5:30 Mum has told me to go and sit in the garden and listen to music. I’m currently sobbing to Fine Line and don’t care that I can see the other patients looking at me through the window of the lounge. I feel shit.

6:00 Dinner is an egg mayo sandwich, salad with dressing then apple crumble with custard. The crumble causes 2 people to cry as it was supposed to be apricot or something. I’m not really sure. I’m still wobbly and sad and frustrated at everything. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t think I would want to leave all the time. (It literally is all the time – leaving is all I think about).

6:52 I facetime Immy whilst she plays animal crossing.

7:08 I finally work out how to make a recent posts page for my blog! Woohoo! (Now, fingers crossed, you should be able to click the menu titled “recents” and see the newest posts).

7:35 I facetime Mum as she takes Shuggs for a walk around the block.

8:00 We watch TV.

9:15 Snack is PB toast and choccy spread toast, a banana and a cup of tea.

Today was pretty rubbish but I made it through… one day closer 😊