The Inpatient Diaries: Day 14

5:45 I am woken up and weighed. I see the number and I’m shocked at the rate at which I’m gaining. It makes me scared but also happy because it means I’ll be out of here sooner. Speaking of, I’m already scared for my CPA on Wednesday. (A CPA is like the CTM on Mondays, except family members can join and they only happen every 6 or so weeks. They’re quite a big deal and usually are when discharge dates etc are discussed). I have no idea what will happen during mine but I’m hoping for at least some time at hope and a given discharge date. I worry about it for a while and can’t get back to sleep now.

6:28 I am lying in bed just worrying about everything.

7:00 I decide to shower and wash my hair. In pitch darkness, of course.

7:20 I have a really sore throat.

8:00 I notice that all the staff now have to wear scrubs. They looked scary enough with their masks, aprons and gloves but now they look like surgeons too. I wish things were normal.

8:10 I go for meds and ask for something for my sore throat. They say they’ll get me a strepsil. I wait. I doubt I’ll get it.

8:15 Breakfast. I consider getting cocopops but I chicken out last minute. I’m scared they won’t fill me up as much as shreddies and I’ve never had them hot before. Too risky. I have my shreddies then make my toast. A great thing about self-serve is that I can slightly burn my toast because that’s how I like it. You’re not allowed to fully burn it though, which is a shame because I do like a blackened toast. I’m weird. I have one slice with PB and the other with jam. I sneakily mix them so I really PB and J on each slice. I know, I’m rebellious. I don’t get told off and to be honest I’m so relieved. I think I eat it faster than normal because I’m so worried.

9:03 I facetime Immy and we come up with the menu for our bottomless birthday brunch. I get all excited again.

9:45 I have my bloods done.

9:50 Immy and I watch outer banks.

11:00 Snack is either a wispa or a mars bar. I choose a wispa (yum), an orange and a coffee.

11:20 We have the weekly community meeting where nobody speaks and the psychologist is on a Teams call, projected onto the big screen in front of us trying to encourage us to talk. Nobody does. We sit in silence. Painful, painful silence. We go back to our rooms.

11:49 The Squash Incident happens. Long story short a huge misunderstanding occurs whereby one of the nurses thinks I have deliberately hidden some squash in my bag (how would I even use it?) and I am left crying and very very panicked. I facetime Mum and explain. She makes me feel better but I’m still worried and upset.

12:05 I ask for a strepsil again. They say they will bring it.

12:30 Lunch is a coronation chicken sandwich (this is gross and really really sweet for some reason?), cheese and onion crisps and an apple. Not a good lunch.

1:10 I facetime Immy and we get up a 15 minute stretching routine on Youtube. It makes me feel better and I enjoy doing it.

1:15 I am mid way through the stretching when a nurse comes in and angrily asks what I’m doing. She probably thinks I’m exercising. Ugh. I suddenly have a huge rush of wanting to go home. I try not to cry.

2:05 I ask, again, for the strepsil and don’t leave the clinic room until they give me one. It’s a lemon one. FFS.

2:30 I take my ground leave. It’s not raining but it’s not sunny either. I’ve had better walks.

3:30 Snack is 2 bourbons, BBQ hula hoops and a cup of tea.

4:15 I am sitting outside when a nurse rushes out and tells me I have to go inside. I ask why. He says there is a patient who is unsafe and they are lacking staff. I can’t be annoyed at this but really I am. I sigh and go back inside.

4:35 I do some colouring in.

5:00 I facetime Catherine and we plan a trip to Amsterdam and a road trip to Edinburgh. This makes my day.

5:40 I facetime Mum and tell her about mine and Catherine’s plans. She gets excited too and suggests places we should go.

6:45 For dinner I have chilli with rice then a strawberry muller rice. I finish my cup of tea and muller rice before anyone else has finished their chilli. I check the board to see if I am eating too quickly. It has taken me 20 minutes to eat my main and 10 minutes to have dessert (plus a few minutes for my tea). The board says everyone needs to finish their dinner in 30 minutes. If only the staff actually implemented this rule…

7:05 I am back in my room and facetiming Mum whilst she makes an incredible dinner. I am making origami hearts that I am sticking up on my wall.

7:10 Mum puts Shuggs on facetime and I say hello. I miss him so much. I want to give him a cuddle. I hold back tears.

7:30 I go into the lounge and play Scattergries with the other patients.

8:00 We go outside and clap for the NHS.

8:06 I facetime Mum and we watch TV.

9:15 Nightsnack is the usual toast with PB and choccy spread, a banana and a cup of tea. ANOTHER DAY DONE! WOOHOO! I think about how incredible it would be to have visitors, let alone to go home. I worry that I won’t be allowed home for my birthday as I’m so excited for the brunch. I pray and pray and pray and wish more than anything I can go home for it and see Mum and Immy. We can only hope.

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