The Inpatient Diaries: Day 11

5:45 I am woken up and weighed.

6:00 I read for a bit and snooze. I worry about my CTM later on today. Only 4 hours.

7:40 My alarm goes off. I go and shower and get dressed.

8:15 Breakfast. Hot weetabix, grapefruit juice, peanut butter toast x2. The tables have moved round so that we don’t get comfortable with the people we sit with. My table is good and I’m friendly with the other patient. I finish my breakfast 25 minutes before her though. Luckily I am allowed to go back to my room.

8:55 My CTM is at 10 so I finish writing my notes. I’m scared.

9:10 I have bloods taken.

9:15 I facetime Immy.

9:46 I have an ECG done.

10:00 I am waiting anxiously for my CTM. It should have started by now.

10:16 I finally get called upstairs for the CTM. There are 2 nurses in the room and a computer with 2 doctors, the dietician and the head nurse on video call. I am petrified. They tell me if I ask to leave again I will be sectioned. I tell them I will comply with the treatment. I am terrified. As if this meeting couldn’t get worse, they have just told me that I will probably be here until the end of August. THE END OF AUGUST?! I cry. I forget to ask about self-serve and moving upstairs because I am too thrown by the possibility of being sectioned and staying here for another 3 months. I do get more ground leave though (20 whole unescorted minutes now woohoo!).

10:34 I leave the meeting and cry. A nurse gets me an ice glove to calm me down. It melts onto my lap. I sob. I miss home. I want to leave. I’m not allowed to talk about wanting to leave because then they’ll think I “lack capacity” and they will hold me here against my will. This is a nightmare. I continue to cry.

10:45 I facetime Mum.

11:00 Snack is 3 fig rolls, an apple and a cup of tea. I’m still holding my (now soggy) ice glove.

11:29 I facetime Phoebe and Rebecca and we start to watch Camp Rock 2. The soundtrack is phenomenal.

12:30 Lunch. I have an omelette, mash (ew) and broccoli followed by chocolate sponge and custard and a cuppa. Again, I am the first to finish. I leave early.

1:05 I facetime Immy.

1:30 I decide to do my makeup because why not. I film it and post some of it on instagram. It takes me about 3 or 4 attempts to post it correctly though (sorry if you were one of those people lurking on instagram and noticed this). It finally posts and I try and forget about it because if I think about it too much I will start to hate it and take it down.

2:15 I’m waiting to see the dietician so I can ask about self-serve. A nurse told me earlier on today that she would be in this morning but there was no sign of her. I wait and wait and wait and….

2:45 Nope, Still no sign of her. This is making me anxious because I feel the longer I wait the less likely it is to actually happen as the day will be over soon and she only comes in twice a week and if I don’t see her today well then I might never and then who will know when I’ve reached the BMI I’m supposed to and who will know when to discharge me? I’m starting to panic if you haven’t noticed. I wait.

3:30 I still haven’t seen the dietician yet but now it’s snack. I know that she has seen other patients because I heard her earlier. I am really anxious but go to snack anyway. I have hula hoops, an apple, 2 digestives and a cup of coffee.

4:06 I go back to my room and start crying. I just need to see the dietician and I’m so stressed about it. I ask the nurse to see if she’s still in. She left 5 minutes ago she says. I cry some more and go back to my room.

4:15 I have just realised I’ve cried all my makeup off. Typical. I wash my face.

4:35 I take my 20 minutes ground leave. I think about how easy it would be to run away. It literally takes all my will power not to. I head back.

5:00 I call Indie from my last admission. She’s one of my best friends now and I’m so grateful to have her. We gossip about nurses and how stupid some of the rules here are.

5:30 I phone Mum. I restart my recovery bucket list in a pink diary I got during my last admission. I’m going to fill it with foods/challenges/things I want to do when I’m recovered. (Side note: if anyone thinks of something they would like to do with me or a challenge I should try once I’m out, please please please send it to me so I can include it in my book! An example might be: go and get a cocktail in the summer or have a meal out for a birthday!)

6:30 Dinner is an unknown soup (I’m guessing vegetable but the colour was really ambiguous), a hummus and sweet chilli sandwhich, salad with dressing then grapes. An odd choice in my opinion but hey ho what can I do. (Answer: literally nothing, shut up and eat the food; you’ve made it very clear you dislike the hospital food). Halfway through my sandwich I look over at another patient who is displaying LOTS and LOTS of behaviours. I immediately feel guilty. I start picking at my sandwich. I shouldn’t be eating normally if I’m an inpatient anorexic. Anorexics don’t bite their sandwiches. I start to tear little bits off. I get called up for it.

7:05 The nurse that told me off earlier for picking at my sandwich has come to my room. She tells me to stop being affected by other people’s behaviours. I tell her how I feel. I tell her people will judge me and think I’m greedy if I eat normally because I’m the only one. I ask her if I eat my meals too quickly. She reassures me and tells me yes, I am the only one eating normally but that the other patients, if even thinking about me during their own meal, will be jealous that I am progressing and able to eat without behaviours. I have never considered this. It makes me feel a little bit proud of myself.

7:10 I facetime Mum and Immy whilst they eat my all time favourite tea. Mum makes it and it’s a tuna steak salad with tomatoes, red onion, butter beans and crusty bread. Seeing them eat it makes me really sad and I try not to cry. I try and get excited for when I will be able to eat with them again.

8:06 Watch Frozen with Mum.

9:15 For nightsnack I have 2 slices of toast (one with PB, one with choccy spread) and a cuppa. I get chocolate spread EVERYWHERE by mistake, including on my chin and down my Louis Theroux t-shirt.

9:48 Finish watching frozen with Mum.

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