The Inpatient Diaries: Day 5

07:03 I wake up. Today is the day. Cooking Mama Cookstar will be mine! I wonder if it’s too early to go and ask the nurses if I can have it. It probably is. I wait patiently and wash my face, brush my teeth and get dressed.

07:30 I’m reading. I never used to be able to read because I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than about 3 seconds. Another one of anorexia’s side effects that nobody ever talks about. Maybe I’ll do a blog post on this?

08:10 I can hear someone shouting from the Wintle ward which is opposite Cotswold House and is the female psychiatric ward. It’s distressing.

08:15 A nurse comes in to ask me what I want for breakfast. She also asks me whether I want my grapefruit juice warmed??? I say no. But now I wish I’d said yes. Imagine that. Hot juice. Radical. I like it. It’s Tuesday so that means it’s cereal rotation so the apricot wheats I would normally have in the evening is offered in the morning. I consider going for muesli but no that is too big a step right now. But there are no apricot wheats. I settle for blueberry. Apparently they have cereal rotation in order to “discourage rigidity”. I think this is absolutely stupid because in the real world you can have whatever cereal you want and if that means having apricot wheats for the rest of your life then you do that as far as I’m concerned it’s nobody’s business but your own. But whatever.

09:00 I ask for Cooking Mama from quarantine. They say they will bring it.

10:35 I’m still waiting. I colour in but most of my pencils are blunt. I asked yesterday for them to get my sharpener but they never came. This is up there with one of the most annoying things about being an inpatient here, second only to the fact we can’t ask for more food.

11:00 Snack is a banana and grapefruit juice. I mix it up and get a coffee because why not. I’m smashing anorexia and food rules no longer exist. I am superwoman.

11:06 The coffee comes and I immediately wish I had got tea.

11:30 I ask again for cooking mama. They say, again, that they will bring it. I sigh and facetime Immy.

11:45 Immy makes banana bread and I watch her. It looks delicious and I’m jealous. I get annoyed at myself for never eating anything baked by someone. For years I have only eaten things from packets or in portions because I have been scared of overeating.

11:55 I’m so hungry. I count down the minutes until lunch.

12:15 I have never felt so hungry during my previous admissions. In the past I have felt like all I was doing in here was eating and eating but now I feel like I could eat more and more. I have heard of this phenomenon amongst anorexics called extreme hunger but I have never taken much notice of it because I wasn’t affected by it. Now I think I understand.

12:37 Lunch comes. It is a cheese and onion pasty. hasbrowns, carrot mash, a rhubarb yoghurt and a little pot of clementines in juice. I can’t take a picture because the nurse on duty would 100% judge me and I’m not ready to be “that girl who photographs her hospital food” for the next 2 months of my life.

1:18 I am a bottomless pit. I look up recipes and food I want to eat when I get out of here.

2:00 A nurse comes in. She has my Cooking Mama! I could cry. I never thought this day would come. She also brings my motivational spoon I ordered off Etsy. A motivational spoon, I admit, is something I never thought I would ever need. I have always loved and wanted food but sometimes I need all the help I can get, even if it is a word of encouragement on a spoon. This spoon will change me, I’m sure of it, The nurse tells me I can’t actually use the spoon on the ward. Should’ve known.

3:15 I have been playing Cooking Mama for over an hour. In that time I have made bubble tea, mochi, Thai rolled ice cream and rainbow grilled cheese. This game is incredible.

3:30 Snack. Walnut cake (I had never had this before but would 10/10 recommend), an orange and a cuppa.

4:00 I facetime some friends. It makes the time go by quickly. I can’t wait to actually socialise again because I literally haven’t met up with people for months and months. Imagine eating out with people! Eek! Coffee dates! Wow. Mind blowing. But possible! I’m excited for the person I’m becoming.

4:30 I’m hungry again. Like really, really hungry. I eat all the mints they give us to help with digestion. That did absolutely nothing except get stuck in my teeth.

4:45 I speak to the nurse about my hunger and she advises me to speak to the dietician. When’s the dietician in? I ask. Thursday. Oh. Thursday seems like a looooooong time away. I’ll live.

5:16 Mum and I are watching the new Aladdin. What a great film. Mum and I discuss the perfection of Aladdin’s face and ponder over how someone can be so symmetrical. We have too much time on our hands.

6:00 Dinner is a chicken sandwich, prawn cocktail crisps and an orange. If you haven’t guessed by now oranges are my favourite fruit. I miss M&S oranges though. This orange is a raisin in comparison to an M&S orange. Juicy. HUGE. Sweet. Delicious. For some reason the thought of an M&S orange makes me really sad all of a sudden. Oh god. I’m about to cry over an M&S orange. I just miss my little home comforts I guess? Oh and imagine having a hot chocolate right now. (At home, even during the darkest times of my ED, I had a hot chocolate every night). I would do anything for a hot chocolate right now. I hold back the tears so Mum doesn’t worry. I hate crying when she can see me because I know she will worry about me and probably try not to cry in front of me too. I get over it and eat the measly orange.

7:17 I play Cooking Mama again and figure out it is only 118 minutes until nightsnack. I am torn over what to have again. I consider each of my options in detail. I don’t come to a decision.

8:00 I am playing Animal Crossing now as I don’t want to complete Cooking Mama in one day. Maybe I will put a limit on how many recipes I complete in one day. Lol. I would literally never do that.

9:15 Alas, the time has finally come. I go for peanut butter toast (crunchy, ofc) and a tea. I make this revolutionist decision (as opposed to the usual apricot wheats) because I had apricot wheats for breakfast. God, how I love peanut butter. I finish the jar.

10:15 I find out that the COVID tests are currently taking between 48-72 hours to get results back. I am having my second test on Thursday. This means I will be here for a while….. At least I have Cooking Mama?