The Inpatient Diaries: Day 1

05:00 I slept! OMG I actually slept. Like without waking up. Amazing. Who knew? Overjoyed doesn’t even begin to describe it. Is it too early to text mum and tell her I slept? Probably. I’ll wait.

05:15 I go to the loo. The flush isn’t working. Ugh. That’s so annoying. Oh well. I put soap on my hands and press the button on the wall which is apparently a tap. No water. Soapy hands. Oh dear. I try again. Still no water. What to do… I was told yesterday that in emergencies I can leave my room but only if I wear a face mask. I have soapy hands still. I use my soapy hands to put the face mask on. I now have soap in my mouth too. I open my door and knock on the window to the nurse’s station. Nobody there. I wait. I see a nurse and shout at them because I’m not allowed to enter the ward under any circumstance. The nurse walks by. I wait by the nurse’s station. A nurse comes. I explain the situation and why I’m holding my soapy hands out in front of me like I’m offering him spices. (Lol. Offering him spices? I’m tired and bored and that was the only thing I could think of that compares what I must have looked like. In other words, I’m a first-class muppet). The nurse comes into my room and checks the water because I must be lying. I really want to be standing here with a soapy face mask, soap in my mouth and soap all over my hands and wrists at 5am. The nurse sighs and says he’s thinking. He comes back 15 minutes later with a sharps bucket filled with cold water. I use this to dunk my hands and flush the toilet.

05:30 I check my phone and see all the love and support that I got from posting yesterday. I cry.

06:00 I am weighed. Again. Even though I was weighed yesterday. Even though at every group therapy session I’ve ever attended they tell us “DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY DAY THE READINGS WON’T BE ACCURATE IT’S WATER WEIGHT ITS WATER WEIGHT IT’S NOT REAL THE READINGS ARE NOT ACCURATE”. I complain to the nurse but she takes no notice. Fair enough.

07:30 I’ve just realised I won’t be able to shower today. I’m trying not to panic.

08:00 I am texting a friend from a previous admission here and we reminisce about eating hot apricot (in her case, raisin) wheats and it makes me happy. I have made so many amazing friends here. Shame I can’t meet anyone now. Ugh. Just gotta get through this week.

08:27 The fire alarm is going off. I’ve literally never heard anything so loud. A nurse comes in and tells me its a false alarm but they can’t stop it. At least I think that’s what they said. It’s making my head hurt. I try and explain to mum what’s happening over facetime. I start to cry. I’m scared.

08:46 Breakfast comes. The alarm is going on and off still. My ears ache but I’ve given up waiting for it to stop and don’t want my soggy (intentially soggy, they’re better that way) shreddies and toast to get cold.Oh how I wish I could be having a smoothie bowl and a sweet potato this morning. Soon though! (Please acknowledge my constant attempt to stay positive, it’s exhausting).

08:52 Oh my god there’s drama. Two male nurses are shouting outside my room. They’re having a full on argument. Ooh and it’s about me! Even better. One nurse is shouting “She’s the top of our priority! She’s in self-isolation! She has no water!” I like this nurse. He’s my new favourite. I don’t hear what the other nurse replies but I’m guessing it’s not along the same lines. I don’t like him anymore.

10:49 I still haven’t been able to brush my teeth because the bathroom is still locked. This is so annoying. I’m bored.

11:00 I facetime Immy and we watch She’s the Man. I fall asleep.

11:30 I have my snack. Prawn cocktail crisps an apple and a cup of tea. I forgot how good prawn cocktail crisps are. Yum.

12:30 Lunch is macaroni cheese (ew) and sweetcorn then some stewed apple and yoghurt. This is the most typical Cotswold House meal I can think of after cottage pie. It is really bad. But, the nurse who brings my tea leaves the teabag in the cup and brings the milk separately! I thank her a bit too enthusiastically and now she probably thinks I’m weird. I thought that was really nice of her though.

1:00 I play animal crossing and realise you can dig up tree trunks! Amazing. How I’ve longed to dig up tree trunks my whole life.

1:30 I am online shopping. This is dangerous. I find an amazing denim bag that I neeeeeeeeed. I buy it. Oops. Sorry mum.

2:00 I ask to go outside. I’m not allowed to leave the room.

3:00 I facetime some close friends and put up photo-affirmation-y things on my wall and paint my nails. I google ‘fun things to do when in quarantine’. I think about buying scubidoos. Looks too hard. I browse Amazon.

3:30 I have been told I’m not allowed a piece of fruit alongside my snack as it’s not on my meal plan. It was worth a try. But also, how stupid is that?! Like, I’m actually asking you for extra.

3:45 I feel really guilty now. Anorexics aren’t supposed to ask for more food. Now you’ve annoyed them. You’re gonna be in so much trouble. He’s going to tell the dietician you’re greedy now. You’ve just been given 3 biscuits and a cup of tea WITH MILK and now you’re asking for more?! You shouldn’t be here. I bet none of the other patients have ever asked for more. They’re going to wonder why you’re here. Why you are taking up an inpatient bed when thousands of people are waiting for beds all around the UK. Selfish. Greedy.

4:00 I ask someone else if I can go outside. I’m still not allowed to leave the room.

4:15 I colour in to pass some time. Turns out I can pass a lot of time colouring in. See picture below. I am thinking I might do a whole post on colouring at some point?

6:00 I play animal crossing again whilst on facetime with mum and then I have dinner. A jacket potato. Crispy and fluffy. Yum. If only it were sweet potato though… My heart breaks… I am literally counting down the days until I can get some leave and have the foods I like. I’m also thinking of writing a list of all the foods I miss the most. Should I post that? That could be disordered. What do people think? Would anyone actually care about that probably not but it would be so fun for me to write. I’m gonna write it.

6:50 The Fruit Problem happens again. I feel awful. Don’t cry you’re on facetime with mum. Be strong. It’s fine. RATIONALISE. (I don’t rationalise I just play animal crossing and try and think of something else).

7:00 I get a second cup of tea. I feel better.

7:05 Do I drink too much tea for an anorexic? An anorexic might drink a green tea now and then. FAKE.

7:15 I watch mum and Immy eat their dinner which happens to be mac and cheese. Theirs looks a lot nicer than mine. I get over myself. This is temporary.

7:25 Guess what I do! I ask to go outside. I can! Omg yay I get to leave the room. I’m so excited. I get my stuff ready. (By “stuff” I mean I put on a jumper, my birkenstock slippers, facemask and my nintendo switch). This is going to be amazing. Think of all the incredible things I can do in the garden. I can sit on a bench. I can breathe fresh air. I can not be in my room!

7:26 A nurse comes in. He tells me he was wrong. I’m not allowed to leave the room. I put my stuff away.

7:30 Watching masterchef with Immy and Mum. Need the loo but can’t go because it’s still locked. Until 8:30. Remember the days when you could wee whenever you liked? Good times…

8:00 How have I only been here for a day?

8:15 Masterchef is playing still on my laptop but I can’t focus on it at all and I am just staring at the screen. I get this a lot. Looking like I’m doing something but not actually doing it. Not fully there. I’m looking forward to my apricot wheats. for snack Maybe I will have blueberry wheats. Oh god now I can’t decide. Half and half? No. I’d prefer one flavour to the other then I’d get annoyed. Better to go full-out and commit to one so there’s no comparison. But apricot is nicer. If apricot actually was nicer you wouldn’t be considering blueberry. Maybe I should just get weetabix. Or cheerios. Or have toast! You do love your toast. But you’ll get toast in the morning. Plus they will probably under-do it. What if there’s no brown bread? Too risky. Ugh. I can’t stop thinking about what I am going to choose. I’ll never be able to choose. Too many options. I’m overwhelmed and annoyed I can’t see the options in front of me. I just want fruit. I want a smoothie bowl and ice cream and the peanut butter I like and the tea I like and actual nice foods I enjoy but have deprived myself of. I just want to go home.

8:40 I’m still deciding what I will have at nightsnack. The thought of fruit and nut mini weetabix enters my head but I don’t know if they will have them. I’m deeply, deeply conflicted at this point. I try and take my mind off it.

8:41 Nope. I can’t. I ask call mum and ask her what she thinks I should do. I don’t think she gives a flying shit about what I have but she amuses me and pretends its an important decision. Immy tells me to choose what I want. OH OK THEN!

9:25 I went for apricot wheats.

10:30 I read and try and to sleep. Another day done and one day closer to being home again.