The Inpatient Diaries: Admission Day

02:00 It’s 2am and I can’t sleep. My mind is racing and I can’t stop thinking about every tiny detail of the day. Being admitted to Cotswold House at 10am. It’s an eating disorder unit and will be my 3rd time there. A week ago I was discharged from the JR (well, technically the Churchill because of this Corona stuff) and I’ve been home since then. But tomorrow, I go back. Ughhhhhhh.

04:15 I send Mum a text letting her know I’m awake which is pointless because she’ll be asleep. But I do it anyway because it will prove that I’ve genuinely been up all night when I tell her I had a ‘bad night’s sleep’. How will she know otherwise? I hope it doesn’t wake her up.

04:20 It woke her. Now I feel bad. But I want her to know that I’ve not fallen asleep yet. Should I text her again? Oh God I feel really bad now. And tomorrow. Which is now today. Will I be too tired to function as a human being? Will I make it to the actual morning or is time stuck in this weird night/morning phase? Is this even real? Am I awake? I am. Right?

06:00 Oops I did an accidental all-nighter. Guess I’ll just be tired today then.

07:15 Walk around the block with Shuggs. Yep, you’ll be pleased to know he did his morning poo like clockwork. Gonna miss his clockwork poos.

08:30 Breakfast. Smoothie bowl made by Immy then sweet potato with jam and PB. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed. Best combo ever.

09:10 Finds meds on the sofa that I forgot to take last night. Meds that help me sleep. I hate myself.

10:00 At the hospital. Saying goodbye to Mum and Immy and being admitted. Trying not to cry. Don’t cry you’ll make Mum cry. Oh God is Immy about to cry? She is. Oh God. Just smile and go.

10:15 They tell me I have to be self-isolated for 7 days before entering the actual ward. This involves me eating, sleeping, showering and living in one room with no contact with anyone besides the nurse who will weigh me, give me food and lock the bathroom door after meals. I am literally in solitary confinement. Joy.

11:45 Just had blood tests and physical obs done including skin checks etc. They’re going to give me an inflatable cushion because the bottom of my spine is bruised due to a “lack of bum” (medical terms). The thought of this cushion genuinely brings me joy. My “bum” hurts all the time. Can’t wait to be able to have baths again!

12:30 Lunch. Soup. Salad. Salad cream. Must I use 2 packets of salad cream? Must use 2 packets of salad cream says the nurse. 1 packet is disordered. 1 packet and anorexia wins. Sandwich. Banana. Can I go home now?

1:00 Yay the nice nurse got me a cup of tea. Bit too milky for me but can’t say because that would be a disordered thing to say. “Too milky” = “I love my anorexia and don’t want to get better”. I put the radio on.

2:15 Watching The Princess Diaries 2 with Immy on facetime. Forgot how good this film is. Starting to need a wee though and the bathroom is still locked from lunchtime. Come to think of it, a nurse probably should have come round to check on me by now. Ah well.

3:00 Ok now I really need a wee. And I’m hot. Oh god no I’m panicking. I need water. But I’ve been told I can’t open my door because I’m self isolating. Oh god what do I do? I’m still on facetime with Immy. Now I’m crying. And shouting for a nurse. I’m scared. It was funny before and we joked about being in solitary confinement but now it feels like I’m genuinely in solitary confinement. I can’t get out. I’m stuck in this tiny room. I’m away from my family. They are throwing in food and pills at me like I’m an animal. I am having a panic attack. A nurse has come. She helps. I get to wee and I get my glass of squash.

3:15 I have a temperature.

3:30 Snack of a chocolate bourbon and a big jammy dodger. The big jammy dodgers will never be as good as the tiny ones. Facts.

3:45 Cup of tea. Nicer than the last one but still not great. God I’m knackered. Must not nap though or won’t sleep tonight. Want to sleep tonight more than anything.

4:00 Mum drops off some stuff I forgot but I’m not allowed to go and see her. I wave and shout at her through my window. She waves and shouts back. I get quite sad.

4:30 Watching Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Another classic. Colouring in. Finished another page! Woohoo!

4:50 Just been told I might get room 1 when I move out of this “isolation room” in a week. This is the best news ever. Room 1 has huge windows and a wardrobe. Yes a wardrobe. Pray for me please. PRAY FOR ROOM 1!

5:15 Crying again. Not sure I can do it. Can’t let everyone down though. This is so hard, I want to go home.

5:45 I haven’t even been here for 12 hours and I have already asked the nurse to leave. She calms me down but I’m still crying.

6:00 Dinner. Genuinely gross. Not even salt and pepper will salvage this meaty slop. Mash is so dry it hurts my mouth to eat. No mash should ever hurt your mouth. That’s not right. I will insert a photo I sneakily took whilst the nurse on my 1:1 observations wasn’t paying too much attention. This was followed by a pot of icecream, a glass of squash and a tea, obvs. I miss home and my mum’s cooking so much. I facetime her.

7:00 I facetime Mum and Immy whilst they have their dinner. I’m jealous. The icecream earlier was good though. Mum tells me she’s saved my easter egg in an airtight container. I’m excited to eat it.

7:45 A nice nurse has a fan for me. Hallelujah. Cue a “my biggest fan” joke.

8:00 I’m still on facetime and I clap with everyone for the NHS. Feels weird being in a room alone clapping lol. I’ve heard some of the other patients but haven’t seen them yet. This whole situation is so weird. Looking forward to my snack though. Apricot wheats all mushed up in some hot milk. Heavenly. One of the only nice things about being here.

8:29 Watching the Great British Menu on facetime. So tired. Posted on instagram earlier and am still so amazed at the support I’m receiving. It really really helps and I’m so grateful for it.

9:45 You’ll be pleased to hear the hot apricot wheats lived up to the hype. Oh the little joys of inpatient.